Happiness—it’s that elusive thing we’re all chasing, right? We try so hard to be happy, yet somehow it feels just out of reach. Ever wondered why that is? You’re not alone. Despite our best efforts, many of us feel like we’re not as happy as we should be. So, what’s going on? Let’s dive into twelve surprising reasons why you might be feeling less than your happiest self. Along the way, we’ll tap into some of the latest research in positive psychology and sprinkle in insights from bestselling books on happiness. Ready? Let’s go!
1. Hanging Around Negative People
You’ve probably heard the saying, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Well, turns out there’s some real truth to that. The people you surround yourself with have a huge impact on your mood and overall happiness. If you’re constantly around negative people—those who always see the glass as half empty—that negativity can rub off on you. It’s called “emotional contagion,” and it’s a real thing. Spend too much time with negative folks, and you might find yourself feeling more stressed, anxious, and just plain down.
Take this for example: You start your day feeling good, but then you run into a co-worker who spends 20 minutes ranting about everything that’s wrong with the world. Suddenly, your good mood starts to fade. Sound familiar? The fix? Seek out people who lift you up, who see the bright side of things. Surround yourself with positivity and watch how your own happiness grows. As Shawn Achor puts it in The Happiness Advantage, the people around you can be your greatest asset when it comes to boosting your happiness.
2. Comparing Your Own Life to the Lives People Portray on Social Media
Social media—it’s a blessing and a curse, isn’t it? On one hand, it connects us with others and lets us share our lives. But on the other hand, it can also be a major happiness killer. How? By making us constantly compare our lives to those perfect, filtered versions we see online. You know the ones—where everyone seems to be on a permanent vacation, living their best lives, and never having a bad hair day. But here’s the thing: those posts are just highlights, not the whole story. A famous study on Olympic medalists found that bronze medalists tend to be happier than silver medalists. Why? Because the bronze medalists compare themselves to those who didn’t win a medal at all, feeling grateful to be on the podium. On the other hand, silver medalists compare themselves to the gold winners, feeling like they just missed out. This is the essence of social comparison—where you stand depends on whom you’re comparing yourself to.
Let’s say you’re scrolling through Instagram and see a friend’s post about their amazing vacation. Suddenly, your cozy weekend at home doesn’t seem so great anymore. This kind of comparison can make you feel like you’re missing out, even if you were perfectly content just moments before. Research shows that this constant comparison can lead to feelings of inadequacy and envy, which, let’s be honest, are total happiness killers. The key here is to limit your social media use and focus on your own life. As Brené Brown reminds us in The Gifts of Imperfection, true happiness comes from embracing your own life, not comparing it to someone else’s highlight reel.
3. Immunity to Awe
Remember the last time something took your breath away? Maybe it was a stunning sunset, or the sheer size of a mountain, or even a beautiful piece of music. That feeling is awe, and it’s more important to your happiness than you might think. Awe helps us see the world with fresh eyes, makes us feel connected to something bigger than ourselves, and, believe it or not, can actually make us happier.
But here’s the problem: in our fast-paced, always-connected world, many of us have become immune to awe. We’re so wrapped up in our daily grind that we forget to stop and appreciate the wonders around us. Psychologists like Dacher Keltner and Jonathan Haidt have found that experiencing awe can reduce stress, increase life satisfaction, and help us feel more connected to the world. So, how do you get that sense of awe back? Easy—slow down and take it all in. Whether it’s a walk in nature, a visit to a museum, or just watching the stars, make time for moments that remind you how incredible the world really is.
4. Isolating Yourself
Let’s get real: humans are social creatures. We need connection like we need air and water. But with our busy lives, it’s easy to find ourselves more isolated than ever—whether it’s working from home, moving to a new city, or just getting too caught up in our own world. But here’s the thing: isolation can seriously dampen your happiness. Think about it—how often have you felt lonely, even when you’re surrounded by people? Maybe it’s because you’ve lost touch with friends or haven’t made time for meaningful interactions. Harvard’s famous Study of Adult Development, which has been running for over 80 years, found that the quality of our relationships is the biggest predictor of happiness. Not our jobs, not our bank accounts—our relationships. So, if you’ve been feeling down, it might be time to reconnect. Call up an old friend, join a club, or even just chat with a neighbor. Those connections are what really make life sweet.
5. Negativity Bias and Negative Self-Talk
Ever notice how you can have ten great things happen in a day, but your mind zeroes in on that one thing that went wrong? That’s your brain’s negativity bias at work. It’s a survival mechanism that helped our ancestors stay alert to danger, but today, it can make us focus on the negative and ignore the positive, leading to a pretty bleak outlook on life.
Let’s say you give a presentation at work, and it goes really well—except for one tiny mistake. What do you find yourself obsessing over later? Yep, that mistake. This kind of negative self-talk can really take a toll on your happiness. But here’s the good news: you can retrain your brain to focus on the positive. Barbara Fredrickson’s research, especially her Broaden-and-Build Theory, shows that cultivating positive emotions can help counteract that negativity bias. Try keeping a gratitude journal, where you jot down things you’re thankful for each day. It’s a simple habit, but it can shift your focus from what’s wrong to what’s right.
6. Living Without Purpose
Ever wake up feeling like you’re just going through the motions? Like your life is missing something? That “something” might be purpose. Having a sense of purpose—knowing that your life has meaning and direction—is a huge factor in happiness. Viktor Frankl, in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, talks about how finding purpose can help us endure even the toughest times.
Think about someone stuck in a job they don’t care about, just going through the motions to pay the bills. Without a sense of purpose, life can start to feel pretty empty. Research shows that people with a strong sense of purpose not only feel happier but are also more resilient when life gets tough. So, if you’ve been feeling adrift, it might be time to dig deep and figure out what really matters to you. Whether it’s your work, your relationships, or your hobbies, finding and nurturing your purpose can bring a whole new level of fulfillment to your life.
7. Holding on to Grudges
Holding onto grudges is like carrying around a heavy backpack full of rocks—it weighs you down and makes everything harder. We all know that forgiveness is good for the soul, but did you know it’s also good for your happiness? Studies have shown that forgiving others can lower stress, reduce anxiety, and even boost your immune system.
Imagine you’ve been holding a grudge against a friend who hurt you years ago. Every time you think about it, that old anger flares up, leaving you in a bad mood. But holding onto that resentment is only hurting you, not them. In The Book of Forgiving, Desmond Tutu talks about how forgiveness is more about freeing yourself than the other person. Letting go of those old grudges can lighten your emotional load and open up space for more joy in your life.
8. Perfectionism
Perfectionism might seem like a good thing—who doesn’t want to do their best, right? But when the pursuit of perfection becomes an obsession, it can actually make you pretty miserable. Perfectionists set impossibly high standards for themselves, and when they inevitably fall short, it can lead to anxiety, burnout, and a constant feeling of not being good enough.
Think of a student who stresses over getting perfect grades, to the point where they’re not enjoying learning anymore. Or a parent who feels like they have to do everything perfectly, from work to raising kids, leaving them exhausted and unhappy. Brené Brown nails it in The Gifts of Imperfection when she says that embracing our imperfections is key to living a happier, more authentic life. Perfectionism isn’t about striving for excellence—it’s about being afraid of making mistakes. So, cut yourself some slack. Focus on progress, not perfection, and you’ll find a lot more peace and happiness in your life.
9. Moving the Goalpost
Have you ever set a goal for yourself, thinking, “Once I achieve this, I’ll be happy”? But then, when you finally get there, instead of celebrating, you move the goalpost a little further. Suddenly, the happiness you thought you’d feel is out of reach again. This constant moving of the goalpost is a common trap that can keep you perpetually dissatisfied.
There is a story about ancient China where the king wanted to reward a loyal citizen for a work of loyalty. The king gave this simple citizen the right to mark out as much territory as he wished, and that area would be given to him as the reward! All he was required to do was to walk around, marking off the boundaries of territory as his desired reward, and then return to the king to claim the piece of land as his reward.
The man set out to mark the boundary, and he walked about five miles on the first day. As he looked back to the king’s palace at the far distance, he changed his mind. He needed a bit more, he thought, may be just he will walk a little more as far as the eye could see. A week later, he finished that distance, but then some thoughts came to his mind. What of a drought or flood occurred in this area! Would it be better to keep some reserve land to grow grains and vegetables suitable for extreme conditions and may be some land for keeping woods for hunting! It took him almost a year of walking to mark off sufficient land to complete all these goals. As he was about to return to the palace and complete the circle, he thought about his family, his small children. Would this piece of land be enough for seven generations to live in a prosperous manner? Since he had a once in lifetime opportunity, why not mark off territory sufficient to feed and take care of his next several generations. Thinking this, he continued to walk further. Though he was tired and exhausted, he went on walking inspired by the thought that each step of his walk enhancing his land holding and the likelihood of enhanced happiness for himself and his family. About 12 years back, he started his journey back, an exhausted, tired, and emaciated man. Just as he entered the palace and approached the kind to claim his reward, he dropped dead. He never had a chance to realize as the drams he harboured in all this time, of having a prosperous and luxurious life for himself and his many generations. His children did not get any land and he did not enjoy even a fraction of the good life he sought because of his ever-shifting goal of happiness.
Sounds Familiar?
Every country and every culture have similar folktales on our tendency of perpetually shifting the goalpost of happiness.
This story is a perfect metaphor for how we often chase happiness. We think, “Just one more promotion, one more milestone, one more achievement, and I’ll be happy.” But when we reach it, the satisfaction is fleeting, and we immediately set our sights on the next target. The problem is, this mindset keeps you in a constant state of “almost happy” but never quite there. Research in positive psychology suggests that while setting goals is important for motivation, it’s equally important to savor the achievements and enjoy the journey. As they say, happiness isn’t found at the end of the road, but along the way.
10. Impact Bias: Overestimating Future Happiness
Impact bias is a psychological phenomenon where we tend to overestimate the intensity and duration of our emotional reactions to future events. We often think that achieving certain goals or acquiring specific things will make us much happier than they actually do. For instance, you might believe that getting a new job, moving to a bigger house, or even buying that dream car will bring lasting happiness. But when those things happen, the joy often fades faster than expected, leaving you feeling disappointed.
Let’s say you’ve been dreaming about getting a promotion at work. You think, “Once I get that promotion, everything will be perfect.” But when it finally happens, the initial excitement wears off, and soon you’re back to feeling just as you did before. This is impact bias at work. According to research by psychologist Daniel Gilbert, we are not very good at predicting what will make us happy, and as a result, we often end up chasing things that don’t bring the lasting joy we expect.
Understanding impact bias can help you adjust your expectations and focus more on the present moment rather than constantly chasing future happiness. It’s a reminder to find joy in the here and now, rather than pinning all your hopes on future events.
11. Lack of Gratitude
Gratitude—it’s one of the simplest, yet most powerful, tools for boosting happiness. But in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget to be thankful. Instead, we often focus on what we don’t have, what didn’t go right, or what’s still on our to-do list. But here’s the thing: practicing gratitude can shift your focus from what’s lacking to what’s already good in your life, and that shift can do wonders for your happiness.
Let’s say you’re having a rough day at work. You’re stressed, and all you can think about is what’s going wrong. But if you take a moment to think about what you’re grateful for—like supportive colleagues or the satisfaction of a job well done—it can change your whole perspective. In The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin talks about how practicing gratitude daily made her more joyful and content. So why not start a gratitude habit? It doesn’t have to be big—just a few things you’re thankful for each day can make a huge difference.
12. Ignoring Physical Health
Let’s face it—when we’re busy, one of the first things to go out the window is our physical health. Maybe it’s skipping workouts, grabbing fast food on the run, or staying up too late watching Netflix. But here’s the catch: your physical health and your mental well-being are totally connected. When you don’t take care of your body, your mood, energy levels, and overall happiness take a hit too.
Think about a time when you were feeling sluggish, tired, and maybe a bit down. Chances are, you weren’t eating well, exercising regularly, or getting enough sleep. But when you make even small changes—like taking a walk during lunch, eating a balanced meal, or getting to bed on time—you start to feel better, inside and out. John Ratey’s book Spark dives into how exercise, in particular, is like Miracle-Gro for your brain. So if you want to boost your happiness, start with your health. Your body and your mind will thank you.
Conclusion
Happiness isn’t something that just happens—it’s something you have to work at. But the good news is, with a few changes, you can boost your happiness and start living a more joyful, fulfilled life. Whether it’s surrounding yourself with positive people, cutting back on social media, or simply getting out for a walk, these small steps can make a big difference. Remember, happiness isn’t a destination—it’s a journey, and it’s one that you’re in control of. So go ahead, take the first step, and start unlocking the happiness that’s waiting for you.
About The Author:
Mukesh Jain has been a civil servant belonging to the Indian Police Service, with rich administrative experience and brilliant academic background. A Gold Medallist Engineer in Electronics and Telecommunication Engineering from MANIT Bhopal, he obtained my MBA from the Indian Institute of Management Ahmedabad. He also obtained his Master of Public Administration from the Kennedy School of Government, Harvard University along with Edward Mason Fellowship. Mukesh Jain has the unique distinction of receiving three distinguished awards at Harvard University: The Mason Fellow award and The Lucius N. Littauer Fellow award for exemplary academic achievement, public service & potential for future leadership. He was also awarded The Raymond & Josephine Vernon award for academic distinction & significant contribution to Mason Fellowship Program. Mr Jain received his PhD in Strategic Management from Department of Management Studies, Indian Institute of Technology, Delhi.
Mukesh Jain has published many academic papers in international journals and have been a prolific contributor to national journals on the subjects of governance, happiness and public policy. His book, ‘Excellence in Government: A Blueprint for Reinventing the Government’, is a recommended reading for many public policy courses. His book- “A Happier You: Strategies to achieve peak joy in work and life using science of Happiness”, received book of the year award in 2022. After this, two more books, first, ‘A Masterclass in the Science of Happiness’ and the other, ‘Seeds of Happiness’, have also been received very well. He is a visiting faculty to many business schools and reputed training institutes of India and is an expert trainer of “Lateral Thinking”, and “The Science of happiness” and has conducted more than 300 workshops on these subjects.
For Happiness workshops and Keynote speaker assignments, he can be reached at mukesh.harvard@gmail.com
School Of Happiness by Mukesh Jain 
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